I’ve tried to understand seasons of transition. This one has been more for understanding who I am. Learning more about myself. What truly makes me who I am. The voice I have that I can never seem to echo words from. There has been sudden changes that have occurred in my life that I haven't quite understood, and trying to explain it to others didn’t make any sense. Sometimes you just don't know at a time that everyone thinks you should. Try to articulate what you don’t fully understand yourself and see how confused it will leave not only you, but the person you’re trying to explain it to. Not until you navigate through a season will you understand the why for it. Through all of the circumstances we're met with, the season comes when we have to give birth and welcome our purpose that we have been developed for. We come to understand ourselves on a whole new level, and therefore, we better understand others. God is doing a new thing in me, and I've been open to what He has shown me about myself through the process. I've not only been open, but have felt more alive. It's honestly been so liberating.
I reflect on being my younger self and trying to understand the nuances of human connection. I'm strongly empathic. I feel all the time. I've always been one to know the place I was in. I could be in a room full of people and the environment would overwhelm me. As much as I loved to dance, being at parties - the few I did attend, drained me. I knew it was because there were so many people in one room that probably had the most going on. I may not have seen it, but I sure felt it. I would do everything I could to be there for any person that just needed someone to listen to them. I get the most of out of one on one conversations, because I sense so much about a person from them. But most times in doing that, the pain they felt would numb me just as much as it did them. I lived in the state of always being there to ease the pain. My nature has been to feel and to give.
I have the ability to feel the emotions of those around me. I have had experiences where what I felt from someone was so intense, it was hard to discern their feelings from that of my own. It’s never been easy for me to disregard my sensitivity to others. It isn't my sole responsibility to care for other people, but somehow I would find myself doing so. I tend to process things on a much deeper level through my human interactions and connections.
Breaking through my own walls, that I so often wanted to see other people do was my biggest challenge. I've always been open to others, but not open for others. Downplaying what I felt or even shutting down altogether was my way. I would be very much disconnected from myself, because I thought it was the way to be in order to be connected to other people. Just because I could process the emotions of others, didn't necessarily mean I could process my own. Praying and allowing God to comfort me during increased moments of anxiety was and is my only antidote. I would take on the burdens of everyone else, but would shield my own from them.
Much of my life I was one for concerning myself with what people thought about me. I often wrapped myself up in wanting to know everything they thought of me. Overcoming that is still becoming my biggest blessing yet. I’ve had many great influential people in my life, and some that when they said anything that sounded close to them having my best interest at heart, I would run with it. The problem with that was, it would determine every direction I would go in in life. I found answers in people when I should've been consulting with God first, instead. I learned to quiet myself, but hear the loud noise and voices of everyone else. It wasn't easy for me to go with what I knew in my gut. I went with what they thought I should or shouldn't have done. Their expectations became the expectations I needed to meet. There are things revealed in our adulthood that if we traced it back to our childhood, we would see that we formed meeting expectations of others long before now. But, I knew that in order for me to live a happy and fulfilling life, and be my most authentic self, it could not come from living up to other people's expectations of me. I could not live in fear of making choices that I thought was best for my life, and more importantly, what God already knew was best for my life. Having the confidence to walk by faith without knowing the outcome is what I owed to myself. Sometimes we don't realize how much our lives are controlled by other people; and then it doesn't help that we try to be in control of our own lives, when God should be the only One in control. He knows where He is taking us. He just needs our trust and obedience.
This season has been one of solitude for me as well, without allowing myself to be drawn to isolation - which I've been known to do in the past. God has helped me to just "be still." This journey has come at a cost. I’ve had to be alone with myself, and sometimes feel as though I wouldn’t be everything I wanted to be to other people, or what they expected me to be. I would ask myself what would leave me feeling as though other people would be let down due to my absence?
The answer to that is: people-pleasing.
I certainly was under this notion that if I didn't show up, it meant they would think I didn't care. How could I feel that way just for taking a moment to myself to get clear in my headspace, to be free, and to be at peace within myself. I hadn’t known a lot about who I am because of who I’d been for other people. I had become what they wanted me to be and I didn’t realize it. I had given of myself, but would leave out the self-care and attention I needed for myself. We can help with healing others when we first seek God to heal us. We can only give what we have. It's overwhelming to wake up and be what someone else expects you to be instead of who you are. It’s very taxing and will weigh you down emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It robs you of living your best life and being free. I became dependent on others’ approval of me. It was as though I needed their permission to be exactly who I am. But, it's not up to anyone to give me permission to live my truth. It's up to me. We do ourselves a disservice by vying for the approval of others when God's acceptance and stamp of approval is simply enough.
It's not all the time that you can show up for everything that you may have said 'yes' to out of obligation. Giving a "NO" is simply okay, if it means you can be truthful about not wanting to do something you really don't want to do. I wonder how many "yeses" you have given when you really wanted to say "no" to someone? Always, always give God a YES, but some people in your life can be told NO. Not no because you don't want to be there for them, but because you need to be there for you. Not no because you're tired of people, but simply because your spirit, soul, and body is calling for rest. Not no because you want to be selfish with your time, but because God needs your time. It can be NO just because you've come to the realization that you give more when you're at your best. We have to let go of who people have always known for us to be, to be who we truly are.
Whatever the season, it serves to be good and do good to yourself. Allow God to take care of you, then give to others. May you be anchored in His love while finding the openness and willingness to share. Don't deny yourself the full expression of who you are and who He is in you. The light within you will bring light to others. Let the peace of God saturate your heart. Be happy. Be free. Welcome growth. Do the work necessary to be a better version of yourself each waking day. Process and rejuvenate. You have a gift. You have a lot of heart. You also have a voice. This is the season of welcoming the "you" you've kept hidden from the rest of the world.
All my love.
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